I worry. It’s a fault of mine. When I was pregnant with my oldest son so soon after a miscarriage, it was a constant mental battle to not give in to the worry.
This time around there was still a battle going on. About two months ago, I had some pretty clear signs that another miscarriage was coming. I lay on the couch in tears, depressed and praying for God’s grace as I was set to teach PE that afternoon and then deliver a meal to a friend who had just had a baby – both of which I saw no way of getting out of. On my own strength, I knew I wouldn’t make it through the day.
My phone rang. It was my dad. I know few people that have such simple heartfelt faith like he does. In my depressed mood, I didn’t feel like talking to him and silenced the call. I wanted to sulk. I couldn’t bear the idea of having to verbalize my vulnerability.
But then came that soft nudge from the Holy Spirit. “Pick up your phone. Call him back.”
So I weakly made the call.
My dad asked how I was doing. I managed to mumble an “ok”. He then told me that a meeting had ended early and as he was taking a longer walk back to his building, the Lord had placed me on his heart. As he prayed for me, he felt led to pray that God would perform a miraculous work in my body. He was praying for a miracle and in faith for this baby.
I broke down crying. This was the exact time frame when it appeared eminent that we would lose the baby. I was in awe with God’s timing and a spark of faith was planted.
I’d love to say that was the last day of worry or miscarriage symptoms. But it wasn’t. Instead, each time I saw a warning sign, I gave it over to the Lord and prayed for Him to perform a miracle in my body. I called out to Him, the creator of all life, sustainer of life.
And when each and every pregnancy symptom popped up, I counted it as a gift. It is amazing how things like nausea, insomnia, irrational irritability and such can be viewed as a blessing… It has been these gifts that have kept me going over the past two months. Even when I would struggle with doubt, it would seem that God would send another bout of queasiness. Isn’t He so kind?!?!?
All of that prepared me for the night two weeks ago when I woke up cramping and soaked. Miraculously, I was at peace, even though I held absolutely no hope that our baby was still alive. As I prayed, asking God why he couldn’t have taken the baby earlier and wondering how badly it would hurt, God just calmed my heart. It is so mind blowing that in those moments of utter sadness He just holds and comforts and gives supernatural peace. As morning dawned, I realized that I wasn’t bleeding much anymore and called my midwife who promptly came over to my house, telling me not to despair and that there still might be hope. Sure enough there was a heartbeat and an ultrasound later that day confirmed why it was happening. God was with me every moment.
I, the worrier of all worriers, was at peace. And I know that no matter how it had turned out that He was there walking with me every step of the way. Now that is a miracle.
So I count once again… Care to join in?
699.each and every icky pregnancy symptom. Signs of new life growing.
700.trials that reveal how intimately God cares for us.
701.reminders to pray for miracles and God-given faith to keep on praying.
702. this post that I just ‘happened’ to read a couple of weeks prior to our experience. God in his kindness offering a ray of hope…
703. my mom quickly taking the day off to spend with the boys, schooling Xander, reading to them, taking them to PE.
704. my midwife with her calm assurance and insistance on making a house call.
705. 3 year old birthday party. A first for him.
706. a very excited Sir Treyton.
707. a party that served as double duty for medieval feast and birthday celebration and boys that are thrilled with the combination!
708. a friend and his two brothers to share in our celebration.
709. Boys eager in their play.
710. precariously balanced pool noodle fencing.
711. a brother-in-law who keeps my sister laughing.
712. quiet afternoon play.
713. muted boy battle sound effects.
714. cousin-love.
715. boys excited about the first visit with the Icecream Truck.
716. anticipation of Oma’s next visit on icecream truck day, because no one splurges like grandparents. (My afternoon snacks consist of a green smoothie or raw veggies…)
717. important and touching reminders to write our sponsored child in Peru.
Heather thank you for your vulnerable and gracious posts, allowing your weakness to be the frame for a beautiful painting of His strength, grace, and goodness. Praying with you and yours for the best possible outcome and a sweet new one. The LORD continue to sustain and work our His will. Warmly, Katie K
Mima, your love, care and support are strongly felt despite the miles that separate us. Thank you so much! Your prayers mean more than you could possibly know!
We pray for you daily & so does our small group at church. I wish I was closer so I could help. Love you!!!
thank you for this post! i love how the spirit works–prompting you and your dad and comforting you. best of luck!
You are so right: gratitude IS spiritual warfare! I read your post through tears. God is inscrutable and amazing, and your Mom is a treasure!
Thankyou for your sweet and encouraging comments. It is overwhelming to see God at work in our lives and so encouraging to see that He works through all kinds of circumstances.
It is wonderful to see God giving your great grace and faith. And I am praying for this new little life inside of you – I know that the Lord has a special plan for him or her!
I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your gratitude and grace-filled attitude with us. You are an inspiration.
Gratitude as spiritual warfare. Now that is quite a thought!
It is so amazing to see how God provides when times are tough. Rejoicing in His provision for you. God is good.